In my relationship, I’ve learned that love isn’t just felt, it’s maintained. Not in grand gestures, but in quiet attention. The same way a great suit doesn’t just appear…it’s cut, checked, adjusted, and revisited. Relationships are like that. They need fittings.
Erin and I keep a running note on our phones. It’s a shared space. A place to check in on ourselves, on each other, on where we’re heading. It’s not formal. We don’t sit down and light candles (sometime we do!). We just open it during a slow Sunday walk or over tea in the morning. The important part is that we are disciplined to regularly do this. Because we love each other and our relationship is important to us to maintain all the greatness about it in the now and the long term.
The point isn’t to “fix” anything. It’s to stay awake. To make sure we’re not just doing life next to each other, but with each other. Intentionally.
As Kadwoods, we believe in refinement not for appearances, but for alignment. Tuning in to the life we’re building. Honouring what’s working. Naming what isn’t. Giving each other the chance to be known again and again.
So we made a rhythm. A simple structure that holds space for the mess, the beauty, and the plans. Some of it is about the relationship. Some of it is about the month ahead. Some of it is just about being two humans doing their best.
I’m sharing it here in case it helps anyone else. Feel free to take it, change it, simplify it…whatever works.
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The Monthly Map
How do use these:
- These are prompts
- You dont need to ask or answer all of them
- Allow each other to ask one or more as you see fit
- Dont use it as a mandatory checklist - it’s there to help you get the conversation going
- Start with “what are you….”
Looking Back:
• Highlights
• Achievements
• Rewards
• Shortcomings
• Expectations that weren’t properly communicated
Looking Ahead:
• Key events
• Goals
• Prep work
• Expectations
• Highlight hobbies
• Fitness goals
• Repairs
• Treats
(Yes, we actually write down treats. You need pleasure on the calendar.)
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The Weekly Compass
How to use these:
- Again like the Monthly Map - its a prompt
- Pick and choose as you see fit
• What are 3 things you want to accomplish this week?
• Anything new you want to try?
• Are there any distractions we can let go of?
• Do you need support or accountability?
• How have we helped each other this week?
• Are we on track with finances?
• Is this relationship moving in a direction we both want?
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The Relationship Check-in
• What’s taking up the most space in your head right now?
• Have I done anything recently that annoyed or upset you?
• When did you feel most loved lately?
• Are we happy with how we share responsibilities and chores?
• Are we satisfied with our intimacy, both emotional and physical?
• What have we done lately that felt good? and do we want more of that?
• Are we supporting each other’s goals?
• Is there anything you’re missing in our relationship?
• Is there anything you’re personally struggling with?
• How can I support you better this week?
• What do you need regularly to feel loved and seen?
• What’s working well? and what isn’t?
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The Four Anchors
These are the areas we come back to again and again. When they feel steady, life feels clearer.
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Faith & Introspection
4. Work that serves others
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There’s no perfect cadence to this. Sometimes we go weeks without opening the note. Sometimes we update it three times in a week. But it’s there. Waiting. A soft place to land.
And for us…in a life that’s full and fast and layered…that’s enough.
Oh and final point - YES YOU WILL FEEL ANXIOUS! That means the question is worth asking. It means it matters to you. The important thing is to create a safe space for each other to ask the question in the first place! Remember youre supposed to be best friends. The person you love. The person you should be able to share your deepest secrets and thoughts.
Oh and one more thing - just because the partner said something it doesnt mean they actually mean it…most of the time…perhaps they just dont have the vocabulary for it yet. So go in with good intentions and help each other figure the words to say.
We call this The Kadwood Monthly.